I’d place all of this under a read more but I’m on my phone and don’t know if I can do that… Anyways.
Oh hey, I was right! Religion classes ARE painful. Especially with my class. They just LOVE debating! And I hate debating. I’m so tired of it, ugh.
SERIOUSLY. Why are we even discussing abortion? And can they all stop saying “the child”? It’s called a fetus until it’s born. Jfc so tired of my class right now.
My brother just hacked into my laptop, while I was using my dad’s computer. He just kept smirking, being all “you should see your face right now” and what-not. But to me, my laptop is my life. Everything I love is on it, chatlogs with my friends, my history, images of things I like, the music that moves me and text with my feelings poured into them. To me, what he did was breaking in to my subconscious. He entered a holy place and soiled it, just by entering my profile and removing my password. I’m overreacting like crazy, I know, but I just.. I can’t calm down. I feel violated, betrayed, hurt… Just because of a stupid computer. But it’s just… I don’t even know. All I know is that he just triggered my emotions to become unstable again; I just got them under controle again, too. Fuck my life right now. Seriously.
I’m re-watching the very girly anime Yes! Pretty Cure 5 for the… I lost count. Whatever. I’m currently at episode nine, which turned out to be the one episode I absolutely hate.
So this really annoying wanna-be reporter who writes the school news paper writes a few articles about Urara, who happens to be an actress. While doing that, she thinks something along the lines of “The intelligent student council president, a member of the library commité, an all-sports star, and an idol… and then we have Nozomi Yumehara. Why is she with them?”
Um, excuse me? EXCUSE ME? What, so the four of them happen to be really good at something and sort of school celebs, and just because Nozomi isn’t, she can’t hang out with them without another reason? SHE NEEDS A REASON TO BE THEIR FRIEND?! That’s bullshit. Bull. SHIT.
And then she makes a huge deal out of pointing out the fact that she’s got no talent and doesn’t have a reason to be with those great people and nobody thinks anything wrong of it?!
It’s not really a big deal, I mean, it’s just an episode in a silly anime… But for some reason, it just pisses me off sooooo much, ugh.
24 contacts online on Skype
11 contacts online on MSN
God only knows how many people are on tumblr right now
Possibly somewhere around 80 contacts in my phone
And I have no one to talk to. No one who bothers enough to just randomly poke me. Well, there’s one guy. And one girl. But that’s about it.
I admit, when I get like this, I push people away because my mind makes me blind to advances people actually do. But the fact that people don’t try harder to get through to me says enough anyway. They all just stop bothering the moment I shy away even just a little. So that doesn’t matter. Nothing seems to matter right now. Because right now, I’m all alone. And I want to just call someone up and tell them to get the hell out here and hug me, but I can’t. Because there is no one close enough or willing to go out at this late hour of the night.
And it kind of hurts. Just a bit.
It hurts a lot actually. But I’m not going to cry. It’s not worth it. They can burn behind my eyelids all they want, I won’t let them fall. Because then I won’t stop. And I’ll be more alone than before. And there will be no one to hug me and make it better when I’m done. So I’ll just be tired, sad and exhausted. And no one will know, and no one will care.
But that’s just life right now, I guess.
I’ve already told myself this so many times, whenever I get like this; It’ll pass. Some times I blame the weather. But it’s not the weather, not anymore.
I just don’t matter…
But there is no one to hug me. I need to talk, rant, question and second-guess myself but there is no one willing to talk to me. I feel afraid and alone, but there’s no one there to reassure me or comfort me. I feel like I’m drifting away, and there’s no one there to pull me back to the shore. I don’t know people the same way I used to. I don’t talk to people as often as I used to. I never craved contact like this before.
I feel detatched from people…
I’m failing my classes…
I feel so full of life one moment, and the next
Nothing. I just feel empty.
And it scares me, because I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what my mind or body is doing to me. And I don’t know how to deal with it.
And, god, I just really need a hug right now… I don’t really want to talk, I don’t have the energy or will to do that, but I need a hug. A long, reassuring hug. I want someone to just cuddle up with, someone that keeps bugging me and talking to me, tries to keep a conversation going. Someone who will ask ME if I’m okay, someone who… just, cares. Someone who puts me before others. Someone who loves me more than others.
Because I’m tired of always feeling I’m the second best. Always, ever since I was little, I’ve felt that no matter how much I love others, or try to please them, they’ll always choose someone else before me. They’ll confide in others, rather than me. They’ll ask others out first, and I’m a second thought, an after thought.
I’m tired of feeling this. It comes and goes in waves, all the time, and I’m just… I’m tired. I’m confused. I’m lost. I’m scared. Scared of moving forward, scared of moving back, scared of getting stuck in place, and, most of all, I’m scared of loosing the people I love and care for. My friends… And I’m just so scared from time to time, and there is no one to hug me or comfort me, and I don’t know what to do…
I just got up to get some paper, and looked myself in the mirror. I look terrible… My eyes and cheeks are red from crying, but I’m otherwise pale… My nose is sore from blowing, and my throat hurts, probably just because it can. I don’t know if I have a fever, since my forehead is warm when I touch it, but it’s usually cold if I have a fever.. But I do have a headache though. One that just got worse from crying.
Gotta love how much empathy my brother has. I used my strength to go up to his room, died a little on his bed, asked him if he could go get us both some food if I provided with money, and then maybe we could watch a couple of movies? He basically ignored me, refused to go buy food, and didn’t listen when I told him, on the verge of crying, that I’m sick, I’m in pain, and I do stuff for him, so why can’t he do something nice for me once in a while? I lay there for five minutes, crying, and he didn’t even look at me once, not even when I got up and went downstairs again.
My DOG ended up comforting me. Can you imagine that? Your pet cares more than your own little brother.
Damn it, I want mom to get back home from Holland. I want dad to get back from wherever the heck he is. I hate being sick. I hate feeling so weak, when there’s no one to take care of me. Because when I’m sick, I’m usually too weak to do things for myself, without getting really dizzy… And with a dog who can’t do more than comfort, and a brother who doesn’t care and parents who aren’t home… FML.
ALSO, I was planning on going to a bbq party later tonight. I’ve already canceled those plans, because HAHA going as I am now? I don’t think so. I just want to curl up and watch a movie with someone… I’d hoped it’d be my brother, but I guess not… His games are more important, it seems. Dad, just hurry up home already…
I can’t remember. I seriously can’t. I guess I read fanfictions before that… But before THAT, then? I don’t know anymore… I’m not part of any communities besides tumblr, I can’t REMEMBER the communities I used to be part of before tumblr. I barely talk to people online anymore. I’ve lost all social life online, and I didn’t even see when it happened! I have NOTHING to do on here anymore, and it’s driving me insane. I’ve become so dependant on physical social contact lately, and when I’m alone I almost go nuts. Like, the kind where you want to scream, throw stuff around and then sit down in a dark corner and cry with frustration, and you don’t even know why. I miss my life before this. I miss my online friends. I miss my easy life, when I could talk to people all hours I was awake. When I had a social network over the entire world. When I was a part of forum. When more than three people would talk to me online every day. And despite having a social life IRL now, (and don’t get me wrong, I love all my friends to bits and pieces), I’m STILL failing school. Worse than before, even. What the hell am I doing with my life…?
So I’m co-dependant. Not seriosuly, just to a certain degree. I can do things for myself, but I’ve been spoiled rotten my entire life and I’m honestly really lazy, so I try to get others to do things for me. But that’s not what I see as the co-dependant part in me. That’s just the lazy part.
My co-dependance comes from the fact that I can’t function properly without other people I love and care about around me. I need someone to talk to, someone to be with, someone to literally cling on. Because I get so restless otherwise, I sometimes wonder if I’m on the verge of going insane.
That’s why I don’t go outside alone. That’s why I don’t go to ‘fun’ places like the pool or whatever alone. If I am alone, I see little reason for doing anything. Sure, if it’s about playing videogames or reading, that’s a different matter. But if I’m in public places, I usually stay completely silent, shying away inside myself, and just… I just stand there. I idle about, but I don’t actually do what I might’ve originally come for. I make myself as tiny and un-noticed as I can… Because I feel silly, exposed, and lonely when I’m alone.
So you see, it has nothing to do with “holding someone in the hand” or about my independace. It’s just a fact that I can’t function without other people. And I’m not like this because I choose to be. I just am. And it’s something I both love and hate with myself. But most of the times, if you point it out, it’s something I’m not proud of. It’s something I don’t like. I don’t like when you point it out… Especially if you point it out as a fault in me.